~
Erin Blair
Think
back on your years of listening to sermons whether they be during regular
worship, or a lectureship, or even on one of the many great radio stations such
as KnowTheTruthRadio.org or TheGospelRadioNetwork.org. How many sermons have you heard on love? How
about the life of Christ? Or what about running the Christian race? I have heard countless sermons on such
topics. But there is one topic that I have not heard much on. In fact I can
think of only one lectureship that spoke on this topic and that was a couple of
years ago in the San Antonio Shenendoah church of Christ lectureships. I am talking about that unspoken, perhaps
even “taboo” subject of sex.
Growing
up in the church I’ll admit I very rarely, if ever, heard a sermon about God’s
view on sexuality. Of course we hear
over and over, at least in the girls classes or in the cabins at church camps,
about “staying pure until marriage.”
This is all good and great, but with so much emphasis on staying pure
and not giving your virginity away before marriage, it can gave the impression
that sex, or the desire for sex, is a bad thing.
I’m
going to chase a rabbit real quick and say that I personally think the phrase
“giving away your virginity” to be far more accurate than “losing” it. After all, in most cases you don’t lose it
like you lose your keys or your car in the Walmart parking lot – you don’t
forget where you put it. It is something
that is, oftentimes, voluntarily given to another person, something we are
conscious of doing and can stop if we wish to.
I
remember talking to an old friend from college about a year ago. She married her husband a year or so after I
married my husband and we were talking about how marriage has changed us, for
good or bad. This talk eventually came
around to the subject of sexuality within, and without, the marriage. She told me, and I agreed, that the church
never really prepared her for her relationship with her husband because it was
never preached on and never taught on in bible classes. I agreed and shared
similar experiences. The lack of
teaching gave her and I the impression that sex was something that was dirty,
or shameful, even within marriage or just to produce children – not for
pleasure. I told her, after a few
shared giggles, “The bible is full of sex!
The good and the bad - right and wrong.”
Preachers
and Bible class teachers emphasize, when the subject arises, about staying pure
and holding on to your virginity before marriage but they never really teach on
sex within the marriage. In our
congregation’s Sunday morning bible class a while back we came across Hebrews
13:4 “Marriage is honourable in all, and
the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” Our teacher didn’t spend much time on this
verse, and my husband and I shared a look after reading this verse. During the break between Bible class and
worship, my husband turns to me and says, “In verse 4, that’s talking about
sex, right?” We then have a quick discussion about how this verse indicates
that within the marriage, sex is a good thing and is in fact honorable and
encouraged!
We
read in Proverbs 5:18-19:
“Let thy fountain be
blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant
roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always
with her love.”
We
see here that God deems sex a good thing between the husband and wife, and something
that is strongly encouraged! We oftentimes forget, I think, that God created
sex and He created the desire for a sexual relationship with our spouse and
said it was good (Genesis 1:28, 31; Genesis 4:1).
As
for our sexual relationship with our husband, we don’t have to have a college
degree to realize the connection and bond it creates. Purely from a medical and scientific standpoint,
the hormone oxytocin is released in the husband and the wife during sex. This is called the bonding hormone – the
feeling of closeness and intimacy. Who
would argue that we should feel close, or bonded, with our spouse? What better
way to get that intimate bond than through the blessing of sex that God give a
married couple?
The
King Solomon knew this well when he wrote the Song of Solomon. Throughout this book we see the romantic
relationship between a woman and a man starting out as what we would call
dating, and by the fourth chapter we see it is a husband and wife (Song of Sol.
4:12). We oftentimes draw a parallel of
this book between Christ and the church, but we can also see it as a teaching
of God about the romantic relationship between a husband and wife. The book is filled with poetic, romantic
language that paints a picture of a husband and wife taking pleasure in one
another as God designed.
Paul
writes in his letter to the church at Corinth about the sexual relationship
between spouses in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5:
“Let the husband render
unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but
the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but
the wife. Defraud ye not one the other,
except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting
and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your
incontinency.”
We
see here that Paul is encouraging couples to be intimate, to have sex, and to
not deny the spouse this need (yes I said need)
for a long period of time. As I
mentioned before, sex creates a sense of closeness, of intimacy, of
bonding. We need to feel close to
someone and when we are married the one we should feel closest to is our
spouse. If this need is denied for a
time, as Paul states, then we are setting them (and even ourselves) up for
being tempted to seek that fulfillment elsewhere. One of the leading causes for
affairs is an unsatisfied, or unfulfilled, sex life with their spouse (www.psychologytoday.com). I am not saying all men fall to that
temptation, but we should be careful not to place that temptation in their
path, to create that void that they need filled (Matt. 18:6).
But
you may say, “But it’s boring! There’s no ‘spark’ anymore.” Well, get creative! Talk to you husband about
it and explore together. The
possibilities are endless as long as they coincide with God’s word (Heb. 13:4). And remember to flirt! Remember, this is the
man who gave you butterflies when you were dating and who was, and should still
be, your knight in shining armor. Tell
you husband he’s handsome (Song of Sol. 5:10-16), and don’t be afraid to show
him affection – even in front of the kids! (Song of Sol. 1:2)
As
we read God’s word, we see that God mentions the sexual relationship between
you and your husband quite often. But do
we have the same views on sexuality as God does? Perhaps it is time to sit down with your
husband and have a little “pillow talk” and study together God’s design and
teachings on His gift to married couples.
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